If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
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Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now