sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say