I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
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Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
lmao
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”