Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Maths meets science
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
kevin is now a local weatherman
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.