“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
You Might Also Like
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.