High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
The French cow says MEUX…
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.