[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
new shirt idea
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.