Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
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Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
She puts the hot in psychotic
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Me, flirting😏
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon