Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Tastes like chicken.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop