Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
never compromise your values
Buck naked
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.