Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
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I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
#growingpains
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Monday
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.