I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
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*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!