boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Best seat on the street 😍
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.