The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
bias laundering edition
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
early stone age tool
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him