THE AUDACITY. 😤
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I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
#parenting
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
no such thing as a dumb question
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope