“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible