Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.