We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
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*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??