me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*