assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew