During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?