An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
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For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
This makes total sense…
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Wednesday
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky