McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.