Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
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I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
☺️
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER