Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My current situation
(Electricians.)
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you