My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
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Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh