“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
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I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
A Short Story.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I am never leaving this website
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume