me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
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Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.