Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
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Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
This is the best one I’ve seen
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs