I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
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Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.