Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”