I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.