I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
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“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”