“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
handsome & gretel
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…