My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Bruh PLEASE
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂