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I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family