*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I am having an out of money experience.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.