teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Its a hippotatomus
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.