When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Sticker placement is key.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit