Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.