BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot