Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
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Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us