her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
You Might Also Like
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
anyone else like Italian cereal
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t