Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
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the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material