When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
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I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.