“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
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If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Who knew!
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*