prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.