I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
This why you should mind your business
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol