I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
The internet is full of many things
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?