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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
A roof is a house hat.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.